It’s been a very strange year for this gal's Love & Relationships.
Strange in the sense that I’m still a sexless, loveless spinster who prioritizes Disney Plus over ‘getting back out there’, but also strange because: for someone so WILDLY (and deliberately) single, I sure am having a lot of relationship blunders.
Thanks to the Men of 2021, I can proudly say I am NOT the same person I was one year ago.
It wasn’t easy or fun to make these discoveries, but I’m grateful for them, nonetheless.
4 Love Blunders That (Inadvertantly)
Made Me Feel Great About Myself
1. The Guy Who Stood Me Up
I've always wondered what it would feel like to be stood up (or asked out on a proper date, for that matter). Turns out, it feels just as crappy as I’d imagined.
Meet Suave, a very-handsome-very-intelligent-very-hott guy I met on a film shoot.
There was an instant spark of electricity...on my end, anyway. I thought he was way too cute to even look at me, so I fell into my typical bubbly-awkward-sarcastic ways, completely overlooking the possibility of more. When Suave started Facebook messaging me out of the blue, I was totally baffled. Before I knew it, we were texting. Before I knew it again, we were FLIRTY TEXTING. He complimented my hair, my face, my body, my brain. He told me I’m a funny writer, I’m self-assured, I’m so cool.
Me? Cool? I was delighted and reignited by his validation.
When Suave texted me on a beautiful Saturday, asking if I was free and wanted to grab "drinks", I wanted to kindly turn him down and curl into a ball of insecurity and doubt. But, wanting to be a “yes woman”, I accepted the offer, knowing that a last-minute date invitation is never a good sign.
We made plans for 8:30. I did my hair, shaved EVERYTHING, and sprayed myself with 3-5 squirts of my finests smell-good perfumes. When 8:30 came and went without a text or call, I told myself not to panic. He’s probably in subway traffic, it’s not cool to show up on time, whatever. My rationalizations went on for an HOUR.
Still no word at 9:30, so I texted to see what was up. He immediately replied with a long-winded, nonsensical story. Long story short, readers, he wasn’t coming and didn’t apologize. He said he would text me the next day. I felt like such an idiot. Saturday night and I’m home, all waxed up and nowhere to go? The SHAME of all it!
I had never felt like more of a spinster.
Right when I started to doubt myself, in walked a Random Twist of Fate. My good friend Lara texted me out of the blue, asking me about the film shoot where Suave and I met. Lara informed me that NOT ONLY did Suave pursue (and discard) several other women on set, but he told them THE SAME NONSENSICAL STORY he told me. I am forever grateful to Lara for empowering me with the truth. Two days later, after his many replies to my Instagram stories went unanswered, Suave texted me again.
I responded and told him exactly how I felt: I don't wait around for men anymore. His behavior felt really inconsiderate and I’m not cool with it. We can still be friends, but I'm not interested in anything more.
He was taken aback, responding with a resounding Wow.
I didn’t tell him off, curse him out, or even come off angry. I was very direct and honest about my boundaries and my expectations when it comes to (gasp) Love & Relationships. Even a casual fling deserves and warrants mutual respect. He respected my decision and backed off. No games, no arguments. It actually felt really refreshing.
Me, one year ago? I would have rescheduled the date, accepted his weak excuses, and rationalized his behavior.
Me, today? I valued myself and my boundaries. And it felt pretty frickin’ sweet.
2. The Guy Who Ghosted (Again)
Meet Dan. We met six years ago (yikes) when we were touring with a kid’s musical.
We became inseparable, spending all of our free time together. At first, we were just friends. Then, we were best friends. Then, we were more than best friends. Then, he turned into every 1980s stereotype of a guy and hurt me. So, I made the choice to remove him remove him from my life for 3 years, and tried to move on. I always missed him as a friend and wished things had turned out differently.
Last December (still reeling from my breakup and the recent hijinx with The Ex I Never Got Over), I got an out of the blue text from Dan. He apologized, said how much he’d missed me and spent the last 3 years giving me space while I was in a relationship (My Very Toxic Ex). I gave him a shot, we spoke on the phone, and he did a pretty good job of trying to atone for the nonsense of the past. I wanted my friend back, so I forgave him, with a grain of salt. Fool me once…
Fast forward six months. We were chatting via text, voice message, and long phone calls/facetimes almost every day. We talked about work problems, apartment blunders (he lives in L.A.), he told me how much he missed me and wanted to come to NYC to see me...it was starting to feel like we were (once again) teeter-tottering very close to More Than Friends.
When things escalated to a more...virtually sensual nature (Re: Safe Sexting Over 30), I (once again) told myself not to panic. It’ll be different this time, that was years ago, don’t assume he’ll hurt you again rang through my ears with each intimate moment. From virtual shenanigans to daily texts and calls, I started to feel overwhelmed.
Suddenly, without explanation, he disappeared. The daily texts and voice memos and phone calls stopped. The virtual shenanigans stopped. Everything stopped.
A few weeks later, when my childhood friend died in a tragic accident, he texted me to see if I was “okay”. I thanked him for the text, and he asked me how I was feeling, which I took as his way of reopening the door to our friendship. Was this an olive branch? Feeling vulnerable, I took it. And HE DIDN’T RESPOND FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK. That was weeks ago. I haven't heard from im in weeks.
One year ago? I would have berated myself with overthinking. Why did things stop? Did he meet someone else? Did he stop liking me? Is it me, my body, my hair, my face? All the unhealthy thinking patterns would creep back in.
Me, today? I didn’t fall apart. I’m taking my own advice: Don’t prioritize someone who doesn’t prioritize you. I haven’t reached out to him, I haven’t blocked him, I’m not even angry.
I stepped away from the friendship because it doesn’t make sense to give him my energy anymore.
This friendship does not serve me (and maybe him) right now, and that's okay. I’m not going to stew or cry about it. I’m not going to overthink and blame myself. He pulled away and got weird again, and I’m letting him go again. So, that’s that.
Dr. Maya Angelou said it best: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
3. The Guy Who Kissed My Friend
Meet Andrew, a guy who lives in my neighborhood and is in my “group of friends”.
Since my move to the neighborhood in February, Andrew has always expressed interest in me, but I was never completely into it. He’s funny and we get along well as friends, but I just haven’t been in the headspace to consider dating anyone.
When my roomie/best friend went on tour with her band for 4 weeks, I had some time to get to know the neighborhood as a solo. I thought it would be awkward, but I quickly fell into a comfortable rhythm with Andrew and some other people from my block. After a few weeks, movie nights, “wine walks”, and daily messages blurred the lines between chummy friends and maybe more than friends VERY quickly.
Turns out, Dan is a lot cooler than I thought he was. We were getting along well and hanging out often, but something still didn’t feel right. I wasn’t getting that spark feeling, when you really like someone new. It just felt familiar and comfortable and easy, so I went with it.
When we drunkenly kissed, I knew it was a mistake. I didn’t feel...anything. I told him we should cool things off, and we agreed to continue to hang as ‘friends’.
Last week, I found out he kissed one of my friends in the neighborhood.
He and my friend both claim it was a drunken ‘whatever’ kiss and meant nothing, but it still makes me feel really weird. The guy who likes me kissed my friend, which really weirded me out. My friend kissed the guy who likes me, which also really weirded me out. Bonus: This was also a night when we were ALL hanging out, but I went home early to sleep (work in the morning), so THAT also weirded me out. Needless to say, readers, things are still WEIRD. No hard feelings, what’s done is done, but I can’t help but feel a little ick about it.
Me, one year ago? I would have fallen into a spiral of shame. I didn’t want to have sex with him, so this is what I get. My friend is prettier than me and he probably just likes her more. There’s something wrong with me and I ruined everything. Unhealthy patterns, blah blah blah.
Me, today? I’ve learned to pick and choose my battles. I don’t want to give this situation any more of my energy. My initial reaction was confused; I was angry, I was hurt, I was flabbergasted. Once the initial feelings subsided, I realized...this doesn’t matter.
They made a choice, a choice which ultimately hurt me, but there’s nothing I can do about it. So, I choose to move on. And THAT, readers, is a huge step for me.
4. The Guy of All Guys (aka The Ex I Never Got Over)
Yikes, yikes, yikes. I’ve put off writing about this particular ex for a while. I’ll just give you a timeline, so you can catch up on my summer of solitude:
June: The Ex called and told me he still loves me. He and his girlfriend were taking a “break” from each other to explore what they both really wanted. He told me he wants to be with me, he’s not happy in his life or his relationship, he never stopped loving me or wanting to be with me, we’re MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I fell apart and cried myself to sleep with joyful tears. Could I truly be this lucky? Is this really happening? (It isn’t.)
July: We talk every day. Phone, texting throughout the day, all day everyday. It felt like no time has passed. He sent me an engraved leather bound journal with a note telling me to Never stop writing, which I pinned on the wall of my office. We talked about his struggles with addiction and my struggles with eating disorders. We talked about his relationship, his family, and his relapse. It felt SO incredible to have him back in my life, after 6 months of not speaking. I was in bliss.
August: He disappears. He stops texting, he stops messaging. I worry, fearing another relapse. 4 days go by with no word. Suddenly, I got a very peppy text message, which spiked the hairs on my intuitive neck. Something wasn’t right; something has changed. Even though I unfollowed him on Facebook (photos of his girlfriend proved too painful to bear), I made the choice to check out his profile, to see if he was okay.
Turns out, dear friends, The Ex and his girlfriend took a weekend camping trip with their friends. He went totally off the grid, hence his air silence. When I saw the photos, my heart broke all over again. I felt like he had spent a month feeding my lies, while he and his girlfriend took a break. When the break ended, it was as if I had never mattered at all. When I asked him directly if he was rekindling his relationship, his response was "sort of". He then texted a long excuse, chock full of lines we’ve all heard before. He also said he was going to rehab the next day. I didn’t want to say anything that would hinder his recovery, so I never responded. I was too hurt and too angry; I still don’t know what I would say. He used me all over again, I suppose. Maybe he really does love me, maybe he really does think we’re meant for each other. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Me, one year ago? Red wine for dinner, tears for dessert. My ED would have rocketed, my depression would have spiked. I would have blamed myself (again) for his absence. I would have found a way to beg him to choose me, then hated myself for it.
Me, today? I’m looking for the real thing, readers. I wish him well in his recovery. I love him deeply and I’m sure I always will. But I don’t want to be anyone’s backup choice or consolation prize.
So, that's that.
Final Thoughts
This year has been rough. I’ve been an emotional rollercoaster; soaring highs and crashing lows. I’ve questioned myself, I’ve doubted my choices, but don’t we all? Looking back on 2021 and the many men (and their subsequent blunders), I have to pat myself on the back. Slowly but surely, I am learning and growing. I’m evolving into someone I wanted to be one year ago, three years ago, five years ago. So, I have to say a big thank you to the men of my past. They inadvertently showed me how far I’ve come, and it feels pretty amazing. I can control my reactions, I can choose where I put my energy, I can set boundaries, I can forgive myself and move forward.
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