Alright. Let’s get real. Gluten sucks.
The silent but deadly torturer of my (and maybe your?) digestive system. It’s nowhere but everywhere. Untraceable and yet somehow in EVERYTHING. Do you even know what gluten is? Because I don’t. I swear I've googled it 100 times, guys. I still don't really get it.
**rapidly googles Gluten**
According to THE WEB, Gluten is basically a family of “seed storage protein” found in grains. Great. If you’re like me, at the apex of autoimmune diseases, or you’re even mildly gluten sensitive, you know that gluten is NOT something to be trifled with.
As I write this, I’m having a major gluten hangover, which basically feels like I’m a cloudy, nauseous zombie-person (cue the drama). Unlike a regular hangover, Gluten Hangovers can’t be cured with a sip of pickle juice (which really works, I swear) and a greasy slice of pizza. Gluten Hangovers require insane amounts of rest, Advil, water, and a full 1-3 day detox of whatever it was that made you sick to begin with. What sucks the most about gluten hangovers? It’s almost impossible to trace what causes them.
Last fall, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Disease, Celiac Disease, and Chronic Psoriasis, so I’m pretty loaded up in the autoimmune shopping cart.
I’m normally extremely-if-not-borderline-obsessively careful with what I eat/drink, so I’m pretty pissed about this whole gluten hangover situation. My quarantine meals have been pretty routine (thanks, Trader Joe’s!), so I can only assume last night’s dinner deviation from my typical schedule was to blame. After a little gluten-tracing, I believe the culprit to be the 2 glasses of house red wine I drank (chugged) with takeout dinner.
Wait...Do some red wines have gluten? Unfortunately, yes.
Ugh.
What’s a Gluten Attack
and Why Does It Suck
Gluten Attacks typically happen when you're body has had ENOUGH. When you eat, drink, or use a glutenous product you shouldn't, your immune system goes into turbo mode to help get the foreign entity OUT. Gluten Attacks vary from person to person, so it’s pretty hard to narrow down general gluten symptoms or side effects. Alas, all I can share is my own experience. Since going gluten-free 4 years ago (after one of the bloat-i-est, puke-i-est, sickest years of my LIFE), I’m all about reading ingredients and mostly cooking for myself. No more mystery sauces, no more sesame chicken, no more beer (a devastating reality).
However, don’t take my hyper-cautiousness at face value; I still slip up. A LOT.
Sometimes, I’ll be halfway through splitting a fried calamari platter with a non-gluten-free-friend before I realize (with great horror) what I'm doing. Sometimes, I’ll drink the wrong type of Vodka and spend the night with my head in the toilet. Rather than rant about what an IDIOT I am for letting myself spend another night throwing up secretly glutenous items, I will simply share the list of my most horrible symptoms. Hooray!
My Top (meaning worst) Gluten attack/Hangover Symptoms:
Nausea/Vomiting (Every. Single. Time.)
Cloudy/foggy brain
Light sensitivity
Chills, painful stomach cramping
Diarrhea
Crazy Itchy Hives
These symptoms vary in severity based on what and how much I ate. The first wave of my Gluten Attack usually hits late at night or early in the morning. Not to get all TMI about it, but it’s not a pretty picture, dear readers.
So, now we’ve addressed Gluten Attacks, Gluten Hangovers, and my general disdain for my body’s autoimmune cocktail of pain. Next...what can we do about it?
Tips for Avoiding
(and Managing) Gluten Attacks
After years of deductive logic, here are some of my tips for avoiding (and managing) Gluten Attacks. Now, these tips are pretty fool proof, but remember: Gluten affects everyone differently. For some of you, more sensitive readers, you'll have to do your own due diligence to find what works for you! In the meantime, enjoi.
1. Read the Label on EVERYTHING
This is a “duh”, but always check the ingredients, especially if you’re dining out. . Call ahead to see if the restaurant your friend suggested has a gluten free menu. If not, could they make substitutions? Don’t be embarrassed to ask questions or call ahead to find out about what’s on the menu. It’s your health; you’re allowed to care about it.
Depending on the severity of your intolerance, this ingredient check could extend to health and beauty products. My body REFUSES to accept anything gluten-related. Even the wrong shampoo and conditioner will cause itchy/painful skin problems and aggravate my psoriasis. Due to a lot of trial, error, and extensive googling, I've compiled a list of what I like to call The Many Faces of Gluten. When you're shopping for yourself, avoid these ingredients AT ALL COSTS.
The many faces of gluten:
Wheat/Whole Wheat (in any capacity)
Barley
Rye
Grain (including grain alcohol)
Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein (found in a LOT of hair products)
Yeast
Malt
Durum
Any kind of breading
To clarify, “hydrolyzed rice protein” is perfectly okay. Generally, rice is all good in the celiac hood. But, wheat is a NO-GO, now are forever, Amen.
2. Cook For Yourself
Long Story Short: Cook and prepare your own food as much as possible.
It seems tiring - and sometimes it is - but it will save you a ton of energy and stress in the long run. Prep your breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and snacks in easy grabbable bags and containers. You never know when you'll need them.
For example, I love these Superfood Egg White bites. They’re AMAZING and are chock-full of protein without tasting like a regular egg, which isn’t really my favorite thing.
Don’t allow lack of preparedness or peer pressure to get you to eat something you KNOW you shouldn’t.
When your friends want to go to diners or order pizza or get bodega breakfast sandwiches...sigh...you’ll be happy you have something on-hand that’s suitable for you.
P.S. If you like to imbibe, stick to brands that are certified Gluten Free. My fave...Tito’s Vodka! Certified gluten-free (which means no room for cross-contamination), tastes like absolutely nothing, and goes well with every cocktail my little Celiac heart could imagine. Drink up, buttercup.
(Here is a gallery of a few of my go-to snacks. If you need some recipe ideas for the impending holiday (BYE, 2020), check out my Gluten Free Guide to a Trader Joe’s New Years Eve!)
3. Get Ahead of the Problem
Uh oh...maybe you messed up. That gluten-free pizza tasted too good to be true, right? Maybe the restaurant didn’t give you the GF substitution you asked for. Maybe you took a bite of something you shouldn’t. Maybe you were in a fuck-it-mood and threw caution to the wind. Whatever the reasoning, when you feel it, you’ll know: The Gluten Attack is coming.
When you start to feel those icky symptoms creeping their way in, don’t freak out. It’s your body telling you it didn’t like something. Load up on water, Advil, your favorite juice, and a gluten-free starchy snack. I like GF pretzels, crackers, or even oatmeal, in a pinch. If you’re like me, you’ll need to replenish nutrients after your Gluten Attack has ended (Re: My Worst Symptoms). Basically, treat your body like it’s recovering from a stomach virus. Fluids, rest, and the waiting game is the only way to play it.
Don’t overexert yourself.
Don’t say YES to hanging with your non-gluten intolerant friends when you know you’d rather rest.
Listen to your body and roll with it.
Final Thoughts: Be Kind to Yourself
Hey. Having allergies, intolerances, and autoimmune conditions is NOT easy. I’ve spent many a night angry-sick-crying because I resent my body for making simple tasks more difficult. Having to think about what I’m eating all the time is exhausting. I miss beer and greasy New York pizza and my favorite Olive Garden cheesecake (Re: The Best Cheesecake You’ll Ever Eat Not Kidding), but I’m finding my way through.
Take control of your lifestyle, make the necessary changes, and - most importantly - BE KIND to yourself. You're beautiful and awesome and a little gluten WON'T bring you down!
Remember: You’re doing the best you can.
XOXO
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