Another year, another holiday season, another reminder that you are totally and completely ALONE. Now, while ‘alone’ does not necessarily mean ‘lonely’, the holiday season definitely brings in an element of spinster blues. Personally, I love calling myself a spinster. It feels empowering to reclaim a word that was once used in a derogatory sense to categorize and marginalize “unmarried women of a certain age”.
As a single and childless woman in my thirties, I don’t need ANY societal reminders of my proverbial clock. It’s ticking, I get it.
I am in absolutely no rush to fall into my next relationship. If it happens, great. If not, I’m very comfortable being single and independent. But, that thriving independence is not without its occasional (nightly) lonely evenings with wine and This Is Us.
Hence, in an effort to curb the inevitable holiday blues, worsened by family probing about my LOVE LIFE, I’ve created a list of tips to ready yourself for the holiday shitshow.
Shall we?
**holds mistletoe over my head and kisses no one**
SPINSTER TIPS
FOR HOLIDAY PREP
1. Study Up for the Spinster Questionnaire
What’s the Spinster Questionnaire, you ask? Oh, I’m sure you’ve experienced it (with a mouth full of sweet potatoes, no doubt). A Spinster Questionnaire is an unannounced, uninvited public probing of the most intimate part of your life...Love & Relationships.
How’s your love life?
What happened to that guy/girl [INSERT NAME]? He/she was so nice…
How old are you again? Getting up there…
How’s your job? Can you support a family on that salary?
When are you going to find a HUSBAND/WIFE/PARTNER?
If those questions aren’t bad enough, just wait until the setup questions roll in. “Oh, you should meet my coworker/neighbor/friend’s son/etc.” as if we somehow asked to have an open conversation about our private affairs. I experience the Spinster Questionnaire on a rolling basis: Thanksgiving to Christmas to Easter Sunday. If my extended family is present, I know I’ll probably get the third degree.
Spinster Tip? Plan ahead.
You know you’re going to get grilled, so rather than look like a doe-eyed spinster with no plan, fire back some answers Hermione-freakin-Granger style. And, P.S. - You don’t owe your family any explanations. Your business is YOUR BUSINESS. You’re grown, after all.
How’s my love life? Fine and private, thank you.
2. Come Up With Spinster Activities
Whether you’re from a big family with a zillion married cousins or a small family with a happy one or two-parent household, it is inevitable that something romantic and holiday-esque will transpire, leaving you feeling like...well, a spinster. To avoid falling into a pit of holiday despair, you must ARMOR UP.
For me, I know listening to Christmas music makes me cry. Happy tears, mostly, but the occasional lonely blues creep in and before I know it, I’m sobbing to Bridget Jones’ Diary again. I will never stop loving Christmas music (or Bridget Jones), but maybe I shouldn’t sit in the dark and dwell on my singledom while my cousins slow dance with their forever partners under the mistletoe.
Spinster Tip? Find non-romance-based activities for the inevitable spinster holiday blues.
Bake something elaborate. Redo your aunt’s hideous floral arrangements. Create a feel-good holiday playlist. Do a puzzle or an arts and crafts project with your siblings or extended family. Host a board game or trivia night.
The holidays are about much more than your relationship status, after all.
3. Activate the Spinster Phone Tree
The Spinster Phone Tree should be saved for your most crucial, phone-a-friend moment. You might know these moments from experience, especially if you’ve had a particularly rough holiday season.
Last Christmas, reeling from my breakup (My Very Toxic Ex) and an immersive rejection from The Ex I Never Got Over, I spent most of the day crying in our family basement bathroom. I didn’t want my family to worry about me, so I stayed tipsy on Christmas wine and cried in private, which proved to be a disaster. Luckily, my best friend sensed my turmoil and called me. She refused to let me off the phone and insisted I talk her through my panic attack. In typical fashion, I wanted to suffer alone, but her persistence really helped me through.
Spinster Tip? Have your closest confidants on standby for an emergency phone call. You never know when you’ll need support.
Thank you to my friends for always having my back.
4. Embrace Your Spinster Reality (and your boundaries)
Whether you are a spinster under duress or a spinster because you truly love it, EMBRACE your spinster reality! The holidays are about spending time with the people you love, so why let any of that other stuff bog you down? Embracing your current situation will make the family probing and triggers so much less infuriating. You’re a grownup and a badass and you shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed of your reality.
Spinster Tip? Embrace your reality and calm down. You don't owe anyone any explanations for your choice.
Yes, I’m single.
No, I’m not dating anyone.
No, I don’t want to be set up with anyone.
Pass the mashed potatoes. THANKS.
FINAL THOUGHTS
The holidays aren’t always easy. Family strife, baking disasters, travel snafus...it can be very stressful for everyone involved. Whether you’re flying to Florida or taking the train to Iowa, curious families can make you feel like you’re living under a microscope. Just remember: You are a strong, badass, grown-ass SINGLE PERSON and you have nothing to hide or fear. Embrace your circumstance, embrace your family, and armor up with the Spinster Tips.
After all, the holidays are what we make of them. They can be an inevitable evil OR an inevitable joy.
Speaking as a proud spinster, I choose JOY (to the world).
XOXO AURIE SAYS
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